A Terribly Unprofessional Condom Review

In honor of this being Saturday night, and Saturday night ideally being a night of pleasure, let me offer a review of the One brand condoms I was inspired to write about last night when searching through the One variety pack for the One with the most interesting picture.

Let me first offer a disclaimer:  this brand was previously unknown to me. I think my husband got them at Savemart once on a late night beer run. And my interest isn’t in preventing pregnancy (trust me. That would be one impressive feat for my body.) or keeping disease at bay (mongomous relationship and all.), so I cannot verify whether or not these condoms actually do their ostensible job well. However, I can break down the whimsy aspects for you.

First, they have flashy packaging and each condom is individually named. Check it out.

I guess that, in my state of entertainment–completely halting any and all nookie, I took the photo of the condom on this very busily decorated box. Sorry. Next time I do a condom review I’ll choose a better background.

One Night Stand. Clever.

Alright. Mildly clever, but a bit too literal for me.

In case you need to be reminded what you’re about.

Ah yes. The old bug motif. Because if the sight of an insect’s underbelly doesn’t put me in the mood for acts of intimacy, what will?

Moving away from cover art, lets see what these different condoms have to offer.

Well, far be it from me to turn my nose up at bumps. 576 of them no less. So……..texture is nice. The idea of turning a mere human penis into a more carefully engineered sex toy is an admirable pursuit. But mere bumps are not enough to entertain a woman such as myself. If bumps also bore you, you could try this condom:

Can you see that diagram?

Whose penis did they base this design on? Whose vagina? I’m not totally clear which way this condom should go on or how a user could get it situated perfectly without a great deal of light and attention to the act of application.

If you’re one of those people who wants a condom to be more user-friendly than the above monstrosity, you could try this one:

……which does this:

You know what they say about Marilyn, don’t you? She loved her condoms rainbow colored. (Nobody says that.)

Seriously, if the most interesting thing about your entire sexual escapade is the multi-colored condom, YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

But hey, if visual effect is your delight, try this one:

One to Light the Way. Awesome. And all you have to do to get your condom to glow in the dark is to arrest all festivities and hold it under the lamp for thirty seconds. That is the BEST POSSIBLE WAY to spend thirty seconds of sex! Absolutely no better use could be made of that time, you know why? Because this condom turns your ordinary human weiner into a glowing green light saber. You just try and tell me that’s not a turn on.

Now, because this exercise is beginning to dull (or my buzz is just wearing off), I’m going to direct your attention to one final rubber, called……….

I don’t understand. Maybe I haven’t paid enough attention to how penises work (although I seriously doubt that) but I just don’t see………why you’d need increased headroom. In particular, I mean.

In summation: I apparently have no concept of what fun sex, penises, bumps, lumps, or domes have to offer. I have clearly been doing sex wrong all this time. Therefore, I have one glowing condom under a lamp right now, charging up so that I can truly experience the mind-blowing pleasure of things that glow in the dark. If you are thusly equally benighted, you should head out to Savemart right now, where you too can own your own bug bedecked prophylactic device.

Bonus condom:

Because maybe you hate your taste buds. Maybe you think your mouth is a terrible person that can only be punished by being given mildly scented plastic to lick on. Whatever. I don’t know your life.

What Happens When the (Explosions!)

Every once in a while someone will start using words like ‘isotope’ and ‘magnetic fields’ and ‘heavy water’ and ‘Deuterium’ in a conversation with me, and I can see that these are real words that mean real things. And then I realize how very, very stupid I am. I can’t understand these things. The more you try to explain them, the more I will cry.

But my husband is very smart. He thinks these are things we should have regular, Saturday night conversations about. This last Saturday he somehow brought up the shifting of magnetic poles and how it could be interesting as part of a sci-fi plot.

Magnetic poles are things I have heard of, and I do recall once hearing about how every once in great while the polarity of the Earth flips. However, I was never told what exactly that means, and what it would actually do to the Earth. So I ‘interneted’ (that’s what people say, right?) the phrase “what happens when. . .” which was as far as I got before the following choices were offered me:

Now, I understand asking questions like “what happens when you die,” because if you’re going to get a useful answer to that question somewhere, it’s definitely from people on the web. They only use the best and most accurate sources. Likewise with “What happens when a girl gets turned on?” and “What happens when you pop your cherry?” because neither of those phrases give enlightening descriptions of the experiences they’re referring to. I know how many years I spent baffled by that particular cherry question before I realized how unrelated it is to actuality.

After pondering all this, I had to stop and ask myself how I contribute to the world of internet searches. I considered what I most often do searches for. It breaks down something like this: 60% questions about historical events/people, 40% “how to say [a word] in Russian/French/Spanish/ASL.

I wonder why I don’t fit in. Why aren’t more people wondering about the settling of the American west or why the Russians use the word ‘soul’ so much?

Remembering that I was actually trying to find out “what happens when the poles shift?” I jumped back into research mode. I got as far as typing “what happens when the” when I found all these search options:

What happens when the MUCUS PLUG COMES OUT?!!?! How did we go from getting turned on to losing the mucus plug?! And if you got that far into your pregnancy before finding out what happens in the final stages of it, you are WOEFULLY unprepared for what’s about to happen!

At this point my husband and I started laughing so hard and talking about mucus plugs and how the word ‘plug’ is gross enough as it is, why did they have to add ‘mucus’ to it? They could have thought of a nicer way to refer to it. Something less descriptive (maybe having to do with cherries, which are so pleasant.) We quite forgot to continue with our search and to this day I don’t have an inkling as to “what happens when the poles shift,” and therefore will never be able to write a sci-fi story using the shifting of the poles as a plot device.

Fortunately, I do not think this will be a great loss to the world, as I had no plans to write a sci-fi book in the first place. Even if I had such plans, the book would no doubt have been poorly researched and of dubious quality.

Actually, now that I think about it, one never knows until one tries, and so this is the first draft of the opening paragraphs of my science-fiction novel entitled “Real Science Explains Impossible Occurances”:

“Boom! Blast! Explosions! A just-primitive-enough underground society experiences the effects of either warfare or a catastrophic natural disaster, possibly caused by aliens. (However, if there are aliens in this story they will definitely have to be the bug-type aliens because I am very afraid of the small gray sort and I can’t write a whole book about them.) The protagonist, a young person who doesn’t always fit in very well with society, has information no one else has. It is up to him—or possibly her—to do something heroic over the course of three hundred pages. The protagonist wears clothing strange to the presumed readers of this account, although his/her attire generally falls in line with that the other people in the underground civilization wear.

Goodness, me! Someone needs to be saved! It is either someone unable to fend for him/herself, or else someone who is important to furthering the plot of this story about explosions and maybe aliens, and lots of important scientific explanations.”

Now, wouldn’t you like to read a story like that? Say the word and I will think of some more concrete details to put in. It would be great if you could think of some, though.