In honor of this being Saturday night, and Saturday night ideally being a night of pleasure, let me offer a review of the One brand condoms I was inspired to write about last night when searching through the One variety pack for the One with the most interesting picture.
Let me first offer a disclaimer: this brand was previously unknown to me. I think my husband got them at Savemart once on a late night beer run. And my interest isn’t in preventing pregnancy (trust me. That would be one impressive feat for my body.) or keeping disease at bay (mongomous relationship and all.), so I cannot verify whether or not these condoms actually do their ostensible job well. However, I can break down the whimsy aspects for you.
First, they have flashy packaging and each condom is individually named. Check it out.
I guess that, in my state of entertainment–completely halting any and all nookie, I took the photo of the condom on this very busily decorated box. Sorry. Next time I do a condom review I’ll choose a better background.
One Night Stand. Clever.
Alright. Mildly clever, but a bit too literal for me.
In case you need to be reminded what you’re about.
Ah yes. The old bug motif. Because if the sight of an insect’s underbelly doesn’t put me in the mood for acts of intimacy, what will?
Moving away from cover art, lets see what these different condoms have to offer.
Well, far be it from me to turn my nose up at bumps. 576 of them no less. So……..texture is nice. The idea of turning a mere human penis into a more carefully engineered sex toy is an admirable pursuit. But mere bumps are not enough to entertain a woman such as myself. If bumps also bore you, you could try this condom:
Can you see that diagram?
Whose penis did they base this design on? Whose vagina? I’m not totally clear which way this condom should go on or how a user could get it situated perfectly without a great deal of light and attention to the act of application.
If you’re one of those people who wants a condom to be more user-friendly than the above monstrosity, you could try this one:
……which does this:
You know what they say about Marilyn, don’t you? She loved her condoms rainbow colored. (Nobody says that.)
Seriously, if the most interesting thing about your entire sexual escapade is the multi-colored condom, YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.
But hey, if visual effect is your delight, try this one:
One to Light the Way. Awesome. And all you have to do to get your condom to glow in the dark is to arrest all festivities and hold it under the lamp for thirty seconds. That is the BEST POSSIBLE WAY to spend thirty seconds of sex! Absolutely no better use could be made of that time, you know why? Because this condom turns your ordinary human weiner into a glowing green light saber. You just try and tell me that’s not a turn on.
Now, because this exercise is beginning to dull (or my buzz is just wearing off), I’m going to direct your attention to one final rubber, called……….
I don’t understand. Maybe I haven’t paid enough attention to how penises work (although I seriously doubt that) but I just don’t see………why you’d need increased headroom. In particular, I mean.
In summation: I apparently have no concept of what fun sex, penises, bumps, lumps, or domes have to offer. I have clearly been doing sex wrong all this time. Therefore, I have one glowing condom under a lamp right now, charging up so that I can truly experience the mind-blowing pleasure of things that glow in the dark. If you are thusly equally benighted, you should head out to Savemart right now, where you too can own your own bug bedecked prophylactic device.
Bonus condom:
Because maybe you hate your taste buds. Maybe you think your mouth is a terrible person that can only be punished by being given mildly scented plastic to lick on. Whatever. I don’t know your life.
Canny Gal 