Top 10 Things Marketing Departments Seem to Believe About Me:
10. I want to see a movie about a crippled dolphin. Really bad.
9. I think men are idiots, especially after they become husbands. And any time my husband calls me “honey,” he is about to prove that I am very smart while he is barely smart enough to figure out how to use toilet paper.
8. I only want to wear lipsticks with names involving foods. Cosmetics marketing departments believe I am so confused about the purpose of lipstick that sometimes I just chew on my lips when I need a snack. Here are the lipsticks I own right now: Pecan Pleasure, Real Raisin, Fabulous Fig, Really Raisin (because the Real Raisin want raisiny enough), Saucy Sangria aaaaaaaaaand. . . Unlimited Raisin. Because Really Raisin was holding me back.
7. The only places I encounter non-caucasian people is at trade schools and maybe Kaiser Permanente.
6. I’m searching for a more efficient way to get caffeine into my bloodstream. In fact, I’d appreciate caffeine coming in some sort of powder form that I could just snort.
5. I feel much safer in the world when I buy products with pink packaging.
4. I’m not happy with my mascara unless it comes blasting out of my face. For serious. It needs to “blast.” Or, like, “millionize.” No matter what, I will accept no less than extreme hyperbole where my eyelashes are concerned. I’m not sure when mascara was invented, but ever since that day mascara has been “tripling” coverage over any previous brands of mascara. They are lengthing. They are strengthening. They are emboldenizing and extenderating. Thanks to cosmetics manufacturers and Lady Gaga, falsh eyelashes have also blasted the records of previous, not-as-blasting eyelashes. Falsies have been furred and feathered. What’s left? Someone please tell me what the final frontier of eyelashes is going to be.
3. I still haven’t figured out how to work my period yet. I’m so confused and down about my period that I need little pep-talks from my tampon packaging. Literally, the brand of tampons I use have “Go for it!” and “Grrrl power!” and “Reach for the stars!” and “If you like it, say: ‘Go big red! Go! Big! Red!” printed on the wrapper. Well, okay. That last one was just from high school. But those other things ARE TRUE.
2. I am so easily pleased that everything from Milano cookies to disposable mops will send me into paroxysms of joy ranging from mere sexual excitement to stark raving lunacy. However, I suppose it’s a good thing that my sex drive is sated so easily because most nights my stupid, stupid husband hasn’t yet figured out how to unlock the bathroom door and come to bed before I fall blissfully asleep.
1. The number one mistake marketing departments are making is assuming that they can play to my hopes and dreams. Puh-leeze. I stopped having hopes and dreams years ago. At this point in my life, my number one hope is that my kid gets through one week without going to the principal’s office. And the recurring dream of my adulthood has been a dream that I am scrubbing the shower. NO, SERIOUSLY. That is the whole dream. Nothing happens in that shower except that it gets cleaner. Nobody comes in and kills me, or sexes me up. The dream is just me, scrubbing. And I don’t feel like that hope and that dream are anything a credit card company can help me with.
Now. Did I miss anything?
Canny Gal 