50 Shades of God Knows What

I read the first chapter of 50 Shades of Grey today. You know that thing people are always saying about it? You know, how they say it’s really awful?

Yeah, they are not kidding around.

The only reason I bothered with it at all was because I read this hilarious article called, wait. Let me go find it. Okay: 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy Normalizing Child Sex Abuse.

Now, that did not jive with anything I had heard about the trilogy, which was three things: 1) It’s Edward and Bella fanfic 2) It’s stereotypical BDSM literature for people who aren’t really familiar with BDSM but, hey, it’s getting women hot so let them have their fun and 3) It’s terrible stuff.

Then when I read that article on American Thinker and the writers were clutching at their pearls, gasping, and downright dizzy from the vapors because, let me quote this again, “50 Shades of Grey Trilogy Normalizing Child Sex Abuse”, I just had to get my hands on those free pages Amazon was offering.

As far as the American “Thinker” article goes, their criticisms of the prose and lack of character are certainly valid. But if the writers of this article are correct in their claim that the activities in the book amount to “disguised themes of pedophilia and child abuse,” then I fear that many, many more of us are contributing to the normalization of these themes than we realize. Here are the features this wonderful piece of crack editorializing claims suggest pedophilia:

The use of baby oil during sex.

They call each other baby.

She wears pigtails.

There is talk of her skipping and doing cartwheels.

She’s a virgin. (Not for too long, I assume.)

They have a BDSM* relationship.

That’s it. Now, outside of any sexual relationship with anyone whatsoever, I often wear pigtails. I skip to the mailbox….and back. And then I do cartwheels on the lawn at home because cartwheels are sheer joy and I refuse to give that up just because 33 year old women are supposed to have too much grocery-ing and computering to do. Also………at one time, I was a virgin.

Now, in the context of relationships, I have most certainly called lovers–and been called by them–“baby.” Not only have I found baby oil useful for many things such as backrubs, eczema, getting sticky stuff off walls, and rubbing on babies, but I have also found small amounts of it useful for sex. (Especially when the backrub segues from being just a backrub to being a “good” backrub.)

Oh my dear god in heaven, what have I done?

Seriously, according to the two writers of this embarassment of an article, all of these things demonstrate that the 21 year old character is not mature enough for the sexual relationship she has chosen. Look: “Chronological  age doesn’t determine maturity as much as emotional age does, so the fact that  Grey ‘enslaves’ a childlike Anastasia presents us with enough evidence to show we’re not dealing with just another erotic novel.”

Maybe–just maybe–all 21 year old women should run their sex choices and personal maturity levels past a pair of duly frowny and judgemental women before they are allowed to engage in spanking. Or skipping. Or finishing dinner in the presence of a bossy lover.

It seems to me that the only valid criticism these authors have is that the book contains BDSM. While I find it humorous that anyone is still shocked by that at all, I can at least agree that, yes, this book contains BDSM.

Saying that it is normalizing child sex abuse is going really far to be shocked by something.

I’ve read the Twilight series. (I would be ashamed to admit that, but after I waded through years of crap like The Labyrinth of Solitude and The Refashioning of Catholicism in order to get my degree, I figure that I’ve paid my dues and can read whatever the eff I want and nobody can reasonably scorn me.) All the books in that series were fun(ny). All the books in that series were also miserably sexist. I mean, the dude takes the spark plugs out of her car so she can’t go see another guy! And she obeys him! That’s the worst part of all!

But I’m gonna go ahead and say that any woman of a certain age……I’ll be random, here, and say 21……..can read these books for herself and decide if that is something she would or wouldn’t put up with. And the same thing with the Shades of Grey book.

 It’s valid that these ladies read about this book and it derailed from their personal preferences and norms, so they wrote about it.

It’s also valid that I think it’s hilarious that there is anyone wandering around our society so uptightly.

Now, if you don’t mind, I should get back to the best possible use of my time, which is to read the awesomeness of prose like, “Double crap–me and my two left feet!” because, as everyone knows, clumsiness is inherently interesting in any literary heroine, and is a perfect replacement for actual character.

*A note on BDSM: Have you ever thought about the fact that the Princess Leia/gold bikini scene is bondage and domination? Worse, it’s bondage to, and domination by, a giant slug. How gross is that, when you look at it that way? And yet the gold bikini is one of the most prevailing sexual fantasies of my generation. Is that shocking? Or is it more enlightening, showing that there are shades of BDSM in enough sexual fantasies to be actually…….normal?

People who abhor the very idea of BDSM seem to have the notion that there could only be one or two real reasons for engaging in that kind of behavior. As these authors assumed, only a woman who wants to actually be a child would submit to something like that. Other people assume the participants are inherently effed up. But can I just point out that  humans have been around for about…..a lot of time. (Or something. I always forget the exact details.) For literally ALL OF THAT TIME humans have been smacking each other….in different ways, for different reasons. And they have also had psychology. A lot of psychology. How honest is it to say that any time any human wants to get spanked by a lover it is because he/she wants to revert to childhood roles? Is it possible that sometimes people just get a thrill from something different? Or an adrenaline rush from pain? Or a thrill from the relief of their usual, every day roles? Considering the diversity of mankind, I’m assuming that there are many, many more reasons for people trying this stuff out.

Heck, I’m still trying to figure out why anybody wants to suck on toes.

If someone is choosing what to do with their own partner, body, and personality, and assuming they aren’t doing it in public or to an actual child or while dressed in your Halloween costume, what is it to you? Ask yourself honestly why you care. Are you into control? Is criticising and controlling other people something you enjoy doing a lot? Then maybe BDSM is for you, after all.