It’s True What They Say: Bitches Be Crazy

The other day I opened a drawer in my vanity table and realized that the skin-care industry has me completely reeled in. Check this out:

Unreasonable.

 

That is eleven different products that either moisturize, protect, or improve the quality of my skin. That is, none of these products are used for cleaning. In fact, one of those products is even for skin AND hair. (It’s “treatment oil”. Whatever that means–I don’t know what it’s treating. Now, trying to understand this little niche of insanity, I began remembering how and why I decided to buy each of these. Sunblock is understandable. Wanting a sunblock that also moisturizes is also understandable. But I remember buying THIS, and this is a different story:

This I bought because I read somewhere that Mirande Kerr swears by it. On some level I must have been thinking that since Miranda Kerr is very beautiful and Miranda Kerr uses rosehip oil on her skin, if I use rosehip oil on my skin, I will become as beautiful as Miranda Kerr. Turns out 1) Nope. And 2) Nope.

Two other products I bought, this:

And this:

I bought out of mere confusion. What is “firming cream” for nighttime actually doing for my skin? What, exactly, is it firming? I wasn’t sure, so then I bought the “night recovery cream” before I realized that OMIGODTHISISNOTRATIONALBEHAVIOR.

When my husband got some badly dry skin around his eyes he asked me for “moisturizer”, which, as you can see, is not an easy thing to pin down. Does rosehip oil moisturize? Is that what it’s for? I wasn’t sure. When I devolved into a crazy lady juggling little pots and tubes and jars, he simply went to the drugstore and came back with this:

That’s not just lotion. It’s not just moisturizer. That is body AND face lotion IN ONE. It tackles dryness in 15 seconds. It makes your skin healthy and resilient, which is all I was ever after! And if I had known that a product like this existed, I would never have spent so much money on other dubious ointments and creams that I’m not even sure about what they actually do.

But this product does exist, they have just hidden it from us in the men’s grooming product aisle, rightly assuming that men are less crazy than the bitches who will buy just about anything if you advertise it next to a picture of Miranda Kerr.

The conclusion of all this superficial preponderance is this: bitches may be crazy, but we did not start out that way. You all did it TO us.