My Plea for Science

Dear Government,

Let’s not beat around the bush. You guys waste tons of money. Loads and loads. I believe you should stop wasting so much of it on stuff nobody cares about, like disease research, and the whole deal where you spend money freaking people out about Swine flu, which then forces Kaiser Permanente to spend a bunch of money telling us that we should not bug our doctors over what is essentially just a bad regular flu. You guys also spend money on research for like, how penguins can be used as weapons. And how weapons can be used as weapons.  And how regular non-weapony science stuff can be used as weapons.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t spend money on penguin weapons, because that is actually pretty cool and would definitely provide some shock value to those Taliban guys when masses of penguins waddled up over mountains in Afghanistan and started pecking guys to death or something. I’m just saying that you could spend a little bit of money (a few billion here or there, max) on stuff that will actually improve our lives. And the number one way you could do that is by providing more pygmy animals to be used as pets.

See, more of these.

They do say that people with pets live longer than people without pets. The main scientific consensus on why seems to be that pets make people happy and that.  .  .  .  does something that makes us live longer. So just imagine if, instead of just having stupid cats running around nursing homes, you had teeny tiny giraffes running around licking people with their blue tongues and eating the plants in the common room. Old people would love the heck out of that. Additionally, they could also have aquariums that hold little herds of Orcas in them. Then every afternoon nursing home staff members could hold regular Orca feeding sessions, where they drop in the regular sized cats that used to be running around the nursing home and see how long it takes six 10-inch orcas to kill a cat.

Old person before pygmy Orca feedings.

 You could even use this as a reward for the old people who drank all their medicated Ensure without complaining.  .  .  they could participate in a drawing to be the one to drop the cat in. See, I think this would greatly improve the quality of life for these dying people.

Old person after pygmy Orca feedings and medicated Ensure.

I also think the introduction of pygmy animals could really eliminate this country’s scourge of door-to-door salesmen. I know this isn’t such a problem for you White House dudes and gated community types, but for the little people like me, owning a pit-bull sized rhinoceros would keep the elk-meat salesmen from coming back. Then I wouldn’t have to lie about being a vegetarian just so they don’t keep trying to convince me that I need some $15-per-pound meat.

Also, my American dream has always been, from the very first time I saw an animated “Gulliver’s Travels”, to own a tiny enslaved human whom I could keep in a dollhouse. Other books and films such as Tom Thumb and The Incredible Shrinking Woman have also contributed to this desire, and if America has taught me one thing it’s that my every desire is sacrosanct and that it is the government’s job to fulfill it. So even though I don’t pay taxes or, you know, work, I think you dudes owe me at least two non-sterile and miniscule human beings that I could keep and breed, resulting in even tinier babies. Because babies are adorable. And a baby that can sleep in a walnut-shell cradle would be so cute it could literally end wars.

I would like my Gulliver to not be Ted Danson or Jack Black.

So, my dear fellow God-complex humans, it’s your job to spend enough money to make this happen. Mainly because people like tiny things, but also because the lives of Americans would be drastically improved. If you need me to come speak before sessions of congress, I would be happy to do that. I would try to keep my ramblings to just a few hours, so that you all have plenty of time to waste not accomplishing other stuff. 

Sincerely, Rosemary